During a flight from Brisbane to Melbourne in February of 2012, I heard the magic of an Ed Sheeran song. I had 4 week old Havanah asleep on my lap and John in the seat next to me. "Oh my gosh! This song!" I said, pulling on John's arm to get him to listen to the song playing through my headphones. I took note of the artist and song, 'Ed Sheeran.. Lego House'. From that day on, I'd form this love of all things 'Ed' and regularly play his songs in our home over the next five years. During my pregnancy with Carter, having just moved to country NSW from Melbourne, we did what we could to keep life as relaxed as possible. I'd sit and watch the sun rise over our back fence each morning, filtering through the venetian blinds and turning our kitchen a beautiful shade of golden. As I sipped on my tea, I'd listen to Ed Sheeran's albums on repeat. "Do you listen to anything else?" John would ask. "Nope", I'd reply, "just Ed and Taylor." When I was flown out to Sydney after pregnancy complications, I spent three weeks on an antenatal ward. Three weeks of observations, tests, ultrasounds and different people asking if I've 'opened my bowels' recently or if I've had any vaginal bleeding or discharge. It was a 'banga' few weeks.
What got me through the long days and lonely nights was my Ed Sheeran playlist on loop. Eventually, I'd decide to change things up a little and swap out my 'Everything Has Changed' ringtone for 'What do I know?' ..and then Carter would be born.
Being born ten weeks early meant that Carter had to stay in the NICU.. for a long time. We were living in hospital accommodation with our 5-year-old and 3-year-old for almost four months. It was a life changing experience. Among the moments that replay in my nightmares, is hearing my phone ring in the middle of the night and waking in panic to my phone lighting up the room as "NICU Calling" flashed across the screen. Those calls always ended in tears or a mad dash to the unit with one of us staying behind to be with the other kids who were fast asleep on their little camp bunk beds.
Brooklyn and Havanah on their camping bunk beds in Nepean Hospital's 'Hope Cottage' during Carter's stay in the NICU.
I found myself having a mental break down one morning. It was a couple of weeks into our NICU journey. We'd just received news that there was an issue with Carter's heart and possibly his brain too.
I was still in a lot of pain and with the stressful mind game of trying to express and not lose my mind entirely, I just broke down.
We had family and friends wanting to come and meet Carter, or just come visit us but the endless phone calls to check in on us, whilst beautiful and kind, made me despise my phone. Every noise made me jump.
Every phone call had me panicked. Every second of every day was so indescribably stressful and it was all taking it's toll. I literally fell into a heap on the floor of the hospital corridor.
I didn't know how to tell people that I couldn't 'catch up for coffee' while my son struggled for every breath. My mind just wasn't in it and although they tell you to spend some time away from the NICU, I just couldn't do it yet.
I needed someone to step in, tell me they'd handle it all and then make it happen. Finally, my husband, my wonderful, 'do-anything-for-me' husband stepped in.. told me he'd handle it.. and made it happen.
Selfie after finally being able to shower and eat an entire meal after a week of being in the birthing unit!
John let everyone know that we needed to take a step back from life outside the hospital and focus on our family and the next steps we would take. Finally, the phone stopped ringing all day and I didn't have a list of messages to reply back to each night after returning back to Hope Cottage from the NICU.
After 102 days of dreading hearing my phone ring, we finally brought our boy home.
We'd been home for a month and I was still having panic attacks in the middle of the night after thinking I heard my phone ring. I changed my ringtone to a boring stock standard tone and tried my best to go to sleep knowing that Carter would be ok if I closed my eyes for a few hours.
Recently, I opened Spotify to listen to some music as I cooked waffles one Sunday morning. Without thinking twice, I tapped on 'Ed Sheeran' and let it play through. As John and I sat across the table from each other, the kids now off playing, I heard 'What would I know?' start to play and felt tears run down my cheeks. "It's been almost 8 months and this song brings back more heartache and sadness than any photo ever could." "Why?" John asks.
"This was my ringtone when Carter was in the NICU".
